A wise human once told me that “people who have experienced trauma often struggle with boundaries.” All humans have encountered traumatic experiences at some point in their life. Without question, some have lived through more trauma than others. With the Covid-19 pandemic, trauma was experienced globally. Each human lived this pandemic experience in a variety of ways; the impact was diverse for each person. Nevertheless, the fact that we were isolated from human contact and the situation bred fear and uncertainty was a definite recipe for trauma to take root. As I reflect upon the current school system, my classroom and the interactions I have had in my job, I am noticing a degradation of boundaries. I have struggled to say no, and there has been a huge shift in “a demand for more”. Furthermore, the boundaries that were in place to protect those in the field of education have degraded.

In the book the Anxious Generation by Haidt, he argues that communities need parameters, guidelines and rules to live up to. There needs to be expectations placed upon a community for each person to strive for moral elevation. He states that if we do not live a life that goes beyond thinking about self, we will develop moral degradation. Haidt in his book argues that cell phones and apps foster a self-focused view of the world.

Humans are finding online communities to participate in and (according to Haidt’s theory) these online connections have satiated a desire to be part of physical communities. Schools are one of the last “physical communities” left in society. Church memberships have declined. Neighbourhoods have grown more isolated. This could become the perfect storm for a society with no-boundaries: trauma, self-focus, and a lack of in-person community.

I believe that there is a difference between control and boundaries. The only thing I can control is my mind and my response to circumstances. Everything else is beyond my control. Boundaries are limits that I put in place to say, “this and no further”. As others push my personal boundaries, I need to feel empowered to say no. As I set my personal boundaries, I need to understand myself enough to determine what is too far.

To further foster the concept of boundaries, I will provide an analogy. The same wise human from the quote at the start of this post, explained that we are like a bank. Mentally envision, your bank. You can drive up and make a withdrawal from your car. You can walk in and use the ATM machine. You can walk in and talk to a teller to make transactions. You can make an appointment and sit with a bank consultant. Nevertheless, a select few are permitted to enter the vault. If we equate our emotional-selves to a bank, we all contain the different aspects of interactive points. Different people will make emotional withdrawals at different points during our day. In addition, some will make deposits. If you are a teacher, you are aware that students take emotional withdrawals every minute of the day. However, we thrive in this profession because of the “ah-ha moments”, the joys, and the giggles we witness. These experiences fill our bank. Teaching is an energy exchange. However, some teachers are currently running their bank balance in the red. We have started to give out more than we are taking back in. The energy-flow is unbalanced and we are drained. Our daily interactions at school are lacking the deposits that we need, while the demands continue to stack. Our emotional teller and ATM-systems are depleted, and without thinking, we started to open up our vaults (that should be reserved for a select few). Resources are being drained without our knowledge, and we need to start being aware of the emotional drainage that is happening.

Feeling anxious or overwhelmed? The feelings are valid. We are unbalanced. Start identifying clear boundaries and feel empowered to say no. You will be respected by what you can do well, rather than trying to do it all. “No” is an answer.

I took the cathartic step of setting boundaries that made sense for myself and my family. Sarah Knight wrote a book that encourages the reader to make a list about what is a life priority. She states that it is important to recognise that we cannot care about everything, but we do care about some things. In recognising this, we need to start living our lives by what we actually need to prioritise. She challenges the reader to not give into obligation, shame or guilt. She encourages you to tell the truth and care about the circumstances in which you have control. If it is beyond your control, release it from your grasp.

Some boundaries that I have found to be helpful for me are the following: not checking my email from home, not bringing marking/planning home, limiting my online platform (it is still mandatory in my district), expecting students to be in class to complete work. I cannot provide a list of dos or don’ts for you. Your list of boundaries needs to be personal to you and your classroom.

Teaching is our job, not our life. Find a life beyond school. Find friends that discuss topics not related to education. Find an in-person community to start filling up your emotional bank.

“A physician that is mortally wounded is useless to help the sick – no matter how talented, gifted or smart they are.” (unknown) Our students are sick. They are desperate for guidance and love. They have not lived enough years to even know that something is off – something is not right. They need us to heal ourselves, so we can introduce them to compassion and self-regulation and balance.

Opening the Window of Tolerance Challenge Three: Create a list of obligations, commitments, needs, etc. Sort out what is really important to you. Prioritise your life and goals. (In 30 years, what will have mattered?) Reflect on what you need in your classroom to ensure you can have balance in your personal and professional life. Identify what needs to be altered in your daily habits and what boundaries you can set in place to achieve these changes.

Photo Credit: Jason Dent, Unsplash